Relationship Problems

An issue that brings people to treatment is the state of discontent with their relationships. In some cases, certain type of person is chosen again and again with painful outcomes. After a few attempts at this process, either the individual gives up and stays alone or submits to the suffering because it is more acceptable than being alone. Learning about our own roles in the making of our happiness, as well as how we arrive to the selection of certain partners is part to the work of psychotherapy.

When people get together and decide “this is for keeps”, the hope is to share a future with a compatible vision of what they expect in life and have a mature, empathic, reliable partner in good and bad times.

Sometimes there is a bucket list. Sometimes two very different ones.

Over time there may be a tendency to assume that “A”knows what “B” is thinking. Deductions are made based on impressions not discussed about. Getting into the business of talking averts escalating misreadings. Miscommunication can be deceiving, because people talk every day: “How is your day going?, What’s for dinner? “. It can sound like a threat when one of the partners says “We need to talk “…usually with a tinge of anger or posing a demand while the other feels judged and found guilty of something he/she has no idea of.

It is not easy to drop whatever distraction is at hand and spend time together, “recalibrating”. Eventually and, at times with help, this becomes effective and natural.

Relationships come with challenges. For example, the inevitability of how we evolve as we grow. Sometimes changes in people may make them less compatible with their partner. How we realign as we move on demands some thought and insight.

Sometimes it’s healthier for both parties to separate. Working out that process involves introspection and understanding of each other. When a relationship ends, it pays for everyone to make it as smooth as possible.

We will go through loses in our lifetime. While a partner is grieving, the other may be capable of being being supportive in the mourning process. The dynamics of the couple may get destabilized by such changes. For example the grieving partner may have less energy and enthusiasm available, or become more irritable, or struggles at work…We hear: “X” died a month ago, my partner should be over it”…the reality is that every grieving process is different and people accept their new reality at their own pace,or to some extent stays unresolved.

Entering a therapeutic situation allow processes to be worked on.

On the subject of loses, we can mention career changes, relocations, children leaving, changes in one’s health…among others.

How we stay motivated, connected is dependent on variables.

Partners can support and potentate their assets when they are in better harmony.

Another difficulty in relationships is the development of intense emotional dependence on the other, making demands to reassure that it is the love of his/her life, stating that they rather be dead than apart etc. It becomes burdensome and gets old very soon. It is empowering for each one too learn about their own emotional needs and fears. The origin of those may be related to past experiences, but get in the way of the present.

The passage of time has an impact on character. Some neurotic traits accentuate and others mellow down. Some relationships age better than others. Educating oneself in what to expect can give room to work in tandem.

How we envision retirement, ways we manage money, choice of friends all impact the trajectory of our unions.

Treatable entities like anxiety, depression can go unrecognized and appear to others as absent-minded, lazy, not smart, etc. People can go on to lose their job and their family because of these . Educating family members and adjusting expectations on both ends, lead to collaborations rather than judgements.